Recovery #8

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Fear is a liar, but under that fear I believed!

This bi-polar shit is freaking hard. I never know from one minute to the next sometimes if I’m not thinking straight cause I don’t know the answer or if I’m not thinking straight because my freakin brain is deciding not to let the meds work today. Or I know, I’m being a bitch because I just want to be a bitch!

As I sit with my hands covering my face, I just want to scream, scream and scream some more. Maybe it’s just time to adjust the meds I’m on. They have been working for 5 yrs now but my GP, has decided to switch some of them around and things are off.

I self medicated for yrs and yrs. I used every drug and alcohol known to man to feel normal. Now that I’m clean and sober, that is not an option.

I just want all know sobriety and a sound mind is not for sissies, it’s for soldiers!

 

Love to all……

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Recovery #7


TO SEE, TO FEEL, TO KNOW THE HOLY SPIRIT SURROUNDS US AT ALL TIMES,

I found this picture the other day, when I needed to find it. It reminded me I am not alone. The Holy Spirit is in my presence at all times, He has a relationship with me and let’s me know I am loved.

I do forget this at times. I will start my day with a “To Do List” and work my way through it , totally worn out by the end of the day, some of the things on my list worked and some didn’t. I didnt let that stop me from running my head into a wall several times before I got the “Ah Ha ” moment. I had started my day without a conversation. I had started my day without love. I started my day like I was in control. I am a moron! God patiently stood behind me as I fell down several times, shaking His head, probably wondering how long it was gonna take before I realized I didn’t go to Him first. I didn’t listen for His wisdom or security. I just ran off like a two year old, babbling to myself not making any sense, tripping over excuses and bruising my knees.

I can be a child sometimes, ok, maybe all the times. A self centered, egotistical ass, thinking it’s all about me!

Holy Spirit you are welcome here. Please come fill my house with your atmosphere!

Dear Jesus, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference! And when I don’t, trip me so when I fall and roll over, all I see is up! And you standing there with your arms out wide, waiting for me to run to you! The relationship with you is all I need to survive!

I will be still and know You Are God!

Love to all, Dale Ann Taylor

Recovery #6


What are our dreams telling us?

Is this  God’s way of getting our attention, if that’s the case…… What!?!

I normally don’t remember my dreams but when I do they are a dozey! The picture I put up on this little talk I believe whole heartedly. Im saying this because in my dreams they consist of running in circles for help and screaming so much I can’t yell anymore and I’m scared, so scared because no one is listening I wake up. Now is God whispering in my ear something he wants me to know or get? I don’t know but the dreams have been consistent for a week now.  I keep trying to help someone or find something and I can’t. They are so disturbing I woke one morning with my throat sore!

Now I’ve done the fourth step and now am starting the 8th which is the amends. I don’t think this is about that but what do I know I have never done this before. My amends list is pretty substantial, and it’s not for the faint of heart but I dont think that’s what’s up with my subconscious. My Sponser said it was something my brain is trying to work out but it must be a big something cause I think about them all day long.

She said to write about it and some answers would come my way. Are they? Nope!

I think I’ll just go to my grandson’s ball game and ponder on it. At least when I yell there it is for a great reason, my grandson!

Peace out folks, Dale Ann

Recovery #5

Dear Mother,

I forgot it was Mother’s Day until it was too late to send you something, you live so far away. I did call you this morning. But I bet, you have heard this from all of your kids at one time or another. I bet also, you said the same thing to each of us as you did this morning, “Oh, that’s ok.” “Don’t worry about it.”, but it is not ok, it’s not alright, you are still with us, how could we forget you? Did you forget to bathe me, did you forget to feed me, did you forget to clothe me, did you ever forget me or love me? 

You said the same words to me when I was “using”. I had an excuse of sorts that I don’t have now!I’m still that self serving so and so now, even when I’m not “using”! The regrets I have, I can rationalize, but the regrets I’m earning now, there is no excuse!

Dear Mother,

Please know, I’ll do better. Please know, I can do better. Please know, I will do better!

Love your oldest child, DaleAnn

Recovery#4


Not today……

God and I have worked mighty hard to get me where I am today. I should be proud of the women I am, but I’m not. I have let another addiction into my life or laziness, depending on how honest I want to be. I still have demons that in my mind that make it ok to not exercise and eat what I want. In doing this I have put on 100lbs since I quit drugging, drinking and smoking. I look in the mirror and think ” What the Hell, who are you and what have you done with Dale?” Why am I still destroying myself, one mouthful at at time? My life is pretty sedentary right now. I don’t work, just some charity stuff but it doesn’t cause me break a sweat. I have rationalized since in the past 5 yrs I’ve had both hips replaced, lower back surgery, knee replaced, pins in the neck and shoulder surgery, that I couldn’t move or exercise. I know this is total bullshit since I have degenerative bone disease, I need to move so the bones don’t get any softer.

Excuses, excuses, excuses!

What is my major malfunction? Why do I still want to destroy myself? Why can’t I make myself, take care of myself?

Oh I know, I can use the 12 steps to conquer this! But can I?  Would I?  Will I? Can I do this alone?

Well the answer is “Hell No”

Just to be clear, I have put on notice to all the old tapes running through my head, that I can and will with the help of my Higher Power, turn my old unhealthy lifestyle Into one He and I can be proud of. I have an accountability partner now, have joined an online fitness app and have befriended some of those folks and I am letting all who read this know things are about to change for the better.

I have sons, grand children and great children I have yet to meet and meet them I will! Not a grandmother who is huffing and puffing with oxygen and a cane but one in yoga pants and tennis shoes!

On my mark, get set ………. GO! Love to all Dale Ann

Recovery #3

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Yep, I’m alive and well, HA!

I’m always pleased when I open my eyes and I’m alive. A few years ago it wasn’t so. I wanted never to open my eyes again and did everything possible to make that happen.  I over drank, over drugged, over drank and over drugged thinking I’d take the easy way out when the day came and I said FUCK IT!

I had had enough, I missed my dead hubby so much, who by the way I would carry on a full conversation with him with, while fucked up, I locked myself in the bathroom, got into the shower, because I didn’t want to make a mess(cray cray), and cut both wrist with a straight razor and proceeded to paint the entire shower stall red till I couldn’t anymore. My poor boyfriend who is now my husband found me by tearing down the door, yanking open the shower and he started screaming…….. Oh God, the blood, Oh God the blood…… The aftermath is a whirlwind, 911, police, ambulance, then off to the hospital then crazy town. What Fun! The Dr’s and their drugs, just what a drug addict needs right? The had me so medicated I would pass out anywhere some would sit me. Sweet bliss, no pain and no feelings until there was….

I realized about 6 months into the year of rose covered glasses, I wasn’t me anymore, mind you I was drinking on top of all those Meds, I found the worst version of me. Having had tons of so called therapy, I found out I  didn’t have just an evil twin, it was a nasty triplet inside me called, wait for it ……”Bi-Polarism”. You see when I wasn’t drinking and drugging, I was fucking, spending and mowing the lawn in the middle night because this was how I was self medicating. Well shit! Ha! I had a reason for my insanity. And I still drank and drank and drank, and on top of all the pych Meds, and wondered why I was so cray cray! I was black out drunk, it only took two drinks on top of all that shit I was taking for me to be in LaLa Land. The stories I could tell or not tell cause I don’t remember a lot of them but the last one was a doozy!

It was the evening of my dead husband and my wedding anniversary and I was tanked to the gills, black out ensues and I fall and hit my head on a glass end table cracking the bone above my eyebrow giving me the most horrendous black eye that lasted for two weeks. The knot above my eyebrow is still there 5 yrs later. I couldn’t leave the house and had to look at myself every time I went to the bathroom. Major wake up call. I don’t know why this did it, I don’t know why at that moment cause there were just as disastrous moments, but I knew I didn’t have another drink in me and I needed help. Not just any help but THE HELP!

God, not just any old god, but the Living God. The God who made me, the God I had turned my back, the God I cussed and railed at. The God who just knew hated me, the God who let my father beat me bloody, the God who let my uncle rape me, the God I thought didn’t care…… I was wrong, so wrong

….. So so wrong.

After my eye healed and I was sober a few days and boy was that rough, hiding out in my home, with my skin pealing off my body, I went church shopping. I went to the closest one to my house and walked in and walked back out and went home. Well hell that didn’t work, but the next week I was just driving down the highway and this church was off the the left, it was a Sunday so I said I’ll try again. Now this place was huge, tons of folks rushing to get inside and I thought “what the heck is going on”, so I rushed in too, me being the nosey type, I though they were giving away cars or something! To my surprise they were rushing into the sanctuary for the praise and worship music and was it hoping! Everyone was singing, laughing, jumping up and down and it looked real! So my crazy ass joined in and let me tell you I found God. The God, my Father, who loves me and knows my name!

This crazy church called Westside Family Church in Lenexa Kansas saved my sorry ass. For three years, I did everything they told me to do, I used all the resources they had and I got sober. Sober enough that I knew I had to find an AA group and a Sponser if I wanted to stay sober. There is God in AA, it’s God with skin on, a community that blends so well with my church. I have no where to go but forward and it’s exciting.

PS. As to the pic I posted, God knows my name and so does Satan, these days I’m a pain in the ass to him instead of God and I like it like that! Love to all DaleAnn

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recovery #2


We do not begin to heal until we give ouselves permission to hurt.

Ugh! I read that statement yesterday and it hit me like a ton of bricks! My second husband died unexpectantly on New Years Eve a few years ago, I have since remarried but I haven’t let go of him yet. A ghost now stands silently as my shadow, blocking out the sun in my life. We shared secretly an addiction only I took the blame for. No one knew he did coke also, I protected him, told everyone it was just me and they believed it. Why did I do this, why did I take the fall from Grace, from my family, from everything I lost, I fucking loved him. This man was the only person before the coke and after the coke that saw me, loved me, accepted me just as I was. It hurt sometimes just to look at him, he was everything to me. I remember a time when my son came home from the Marine Corp on leave in his dress blues and Cam brought him to my job. The whole place shut down to applaud an Americam hero, I walked through the place with a marine one one arm and my big covered in leathers husband on the other, beaming and so proud these men were mine. God , I loved that moment!

My sons did not like this man due to his age(14 yrs my Jr.) but they knew there was nothing on this earth that would make me give him up…….but death. I divorced him but it was only in society’s eyes, we were still together, still loving, still talking, still having the best sex of my life. This 6’2′, fully tattooed, strong man had epilepsy. He saw this as a weakness, he hated it, he lost one job after another because of it, when he had a job, he threw himself into it. He loved having the income to support us even though I made enough for us both, it hurt his ego, even though I told him it didn’t matter. It mattered. We lived in the country, I moved to the city to find work and get a place, he stayed with his mother. We talked on yahoo messenger every morning, I saved those conversations until my computer got so slow so I cleaned up the hard drive and erased all instant messages and such…….. I hadn’t talked to Cam on New Years, I sent him a message I was spending it with an old school friend of mine and I would catch up later…… Later never came, around 9:30 pm, I got a call from my daughter in law that my mother in law called and it was important I call her…… Cam took a handful of barbiturates, seized in his office chair and fell out breaking his neck……. He was dead. He was FUCKING DEAD! NONONONONOOOOOOOOOO! And I had erased him……….

Since I wasn’t officially his wife, his mother took him to the mortuary, removed all his piercings and had him cremated. It took me two days to get there and she had already done this. She said he had committed suicide and that there wasn’t any reason for a funeral………. This was her baby, she loved him, she was in pain and this was best for her. But not for me, I never saw him dead. I know he is dead, I sprinkled his ashes on his grandparents grave but I have no closure. I had all those conversations on my fucking computer that I erased, I erased him…. I was living with my son at the time, both of my sons could give a shit if Cam was dead, I wasn’t allowed to grieve, there was no one to talk to….. So I drank and drank and drank…..

My last drunk was on our wedding anniversary Jan20,2011. He died New Years Eve 2008, I had since in a drunken state remarried a guy I’m still married to now. He has been through hell with me as I sobered up. Funny thing is , he a nice guy, a compassionate man with a heart of gold, way to good for me….. And he is living with a ghost……….Me!

My Sponser had me write a letter to my dead husband, it took me 6 months to do it. I was afraid if I did, that it would mean Cam was really gone. I would have to shut the door on that time and move on. I finally wrote the letter, it’s been three weeks, I haven’t taken it to my Sponser yet due to my husband now being in the hospital but I just realized last night after reading the statement, (  We don’t begin to heal until we give ouselves permission to hurt. ) I haven’t done that. I haven’t not let that pain in, I’m afraid of it, I don’t want to feel that. I JUST DONT! I’m afraid if I let myself go, I’ll get lost and lose my ghost.

I don’t dream or if I do I don’t remember them, until recently. So real, it takes my breath away, it wakes me up. I dreamed of Cam, it was hot , we were at a lake, his head was in my lap, he was sweating and I wiped the sweat off his brow, as I looked up his mother said “Don’t you know he is dead?” I looked down , he was gone but my hand was wet, I woke up in such a fright and looked at my hand. Of course it was dry but the dream was so real and in color and I hated his mother so much at that second, for taking him away. I had him, it was us again, in the sun, wind blowing softly, beer drenched in ice, him looking at me with those beautiful eyes, eyes you could swim in, my baby……. Gone!

This ghost is killing me softly with out raising a hand. This ghost is standing between my husband and me. I get so mad at him cause he isn’t Cam. I won’t let him in, I’m afraid if this ones dies on me, I’m done. Sometimes it seems like the tether I’m hanging onto is on its last little string and it’s going to break. And when it does, and when it does, and when it does…..

This is where my addiction kicks in and wants me alone so it can kill me. I am not alone , I have a huge community I can call on, and I will but I just had to get this out without someone interrupting me, without someone saying it will get better, or some other thing. I have a lot to be grateful for today, I have a husband who loves me, children, grandchildren, a great church, AA fellowship, friends and of course Cameron the friendly ghost.  Love to all DALEANN

Tripping over my feet while finding sobriety in public!